No one tells you how fast this escalates.
One minute you’re casually trying. The next, you’re Googling acronyms you never wanted to learn, trying to understand your insurance plan, and realizing your calendar now revolves around hormones, anxiety, and hope.
You don’t remember agreeing to any of this—the invasive tests, the pressure, the price tag, the way your body suddenly feels like a science experiment instead of yours. And somehow, everyone around you either thinks it will “just happen”… or assumes you either don’t want kids or that you already know exactly what you’re doing.
It’s rough, but you got this, right? Um…
The truth is, most of us don’t.
Because fertility isn’t something people talk about before they’re in it. We only hear the stories once there’s a baby, or closure, or a neat ending where it all makes sense. What we don’t hear about is the confusion at the beginning—the part where you’re making decisions that could shape your future without realizing how heavy they’ll become.
This is the stuff people admit later. It’s the stuff I only admitted later. So let’s talk about all of the hard parts about fertility and infertility … without the filter.
Here are some things I wish someone would have told me before the appointments, the injections, the arguments, the debt, and the quiet grief.
1. This Will Test You More Than You Expect
Infertility doesn’t just test patience. It tests your blood, urine, cervical mucus—literally everything.
There’s the infamous two-week wait where time seems to slow down, and every sensation inside your body feels like a clue or a threat.
Your body stops feeling private. Suddenly, it’s on display. Blood draws. Ultrasounds. Tests you never imagined needing. Conversations you never thought you’d have with yourself, let alone anyone else.
For a lot of us, your identity can take a hit.
Your sense of yourself as a woman, a man, a partner, or even just a capable human can all feel questioned.
Sex, once spontaneous or fun or connective, can become scheduled, scrutinized, or emotionally loaded. And even the strongest relationships can feel the strain. Miscommunication creeps in. Grief shows up in a way you didn’t know you could feel, because something is missing that doesn’t exist yet.
None of this means you’re doing it wrong. It means this is hard.
2. The Trauma Is Real
This part is often minimized—even by doctors—but it matters.
Many people dealing with infertility experience trauma responses that look a lot like those seen after other major life-altering events.
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PTSD symptoms: More than 40% of women facing infertility show signs of post-traumatic stress.
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Anxiety and depression: Rates are comparable to those seen in people dealing with cancer, heart disease, or HIV.
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Triggers everywhere: Birthdays, holidays, baby showers, anniversaries—even milestones you once loved can suddenly feel unbearable.
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Trauma from care itself: Over 60% of women report trauma not just from infertility, but from the medical care they received while trying to conceive.
This isn’t weakness. It’s your nervous system responding to prolonged uncertainty, loss of control, and repeated disappointment.
If this resonates, you’re not “too sensitive.” You’re human.
3. You Don’t Have to Rush
Yes, age matters. Yes, cycles take time. And yes, ICI, IUI, and IVF all depend on biological timelines.
But that doesn’t mean you need to make every big decision immediately.
You deserve time to:
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Understand your options (natural, ICI, IUI, IVF—and what each actually involves)
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Learn how to track ovulation accurately and confidently
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Make a realistic financial plan—not just for treatment, but for your life alongside it
Rushing out of fear can lead to choices that don’t fully align with your values, your body, or your circumstances. Pausing doesn’t mean giving up. It means being intentional.
Do what’s right for you, not what feels most urgent or most “expected.”
4. Know Your Real Options
Many people are surprised by how quickly the conversation jumps to IUI or IVF—sometimes without fully exploring other factors.
A few important truths that often get overlooked:
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Around two-thirds of infertility cases involve male factors or a combination of both partners—yet only 41% of OB-GYNs routinely refer men for urological evaluation.
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15-30% of infertility is labeled “unexplained.” That doesn’t mean hopeless. It means medicine doesn’t always have a neat answer—and that exploration still matters.
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Financial realities matter. Emotional capacity matters. Legal considerations matter—especially for LGBTQIA+ families, single parents by choice, or anyone considering surrogacy or donor arrangements.
And then there’s ICI (intracervical insemination)—one of the most overlooked options in fertility care. ICI can be just as effective, while being less invasive, more affordable, and empowering for some families.
It’s not right for everyone—but it is real, valid, and worth understanding.
5. You Are Much Stronger Than You Realize
You might not feel strong right now. Most people don’t.
You might feel tired. Disappointed. Maybe cynical. Maybe hopeful in a way that scares you. Maybe numb. Maybe all of it at once.
But strength isn’t loud. It’s quiet and persistent. It’s showing up again, even though you said you couldn’t. It’s asking questions. It’s advocating for yourself. It’s continuing even when the outcome isn’t guaranteed.
Remember, you are learning things about yourself—about your body, your limits, your resilience—that you never asked to learn. And while that doesn’t make this fair, it does mean you are becoming someone deeply capable of navigating hard things.
You are figuring it out, and that might take some time. Remember to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with the same compassion you will give your future child. We’re here to support you every step of the way.
