Deciding to grow your family is a big, beautiful step. If you and your partner are ready to begin that journey, take a moment to let it sink in. This is real, and it’s happening.
One of the first decisions many lesbian couples face is choosing a sperm donor. It’s not something most of us ever imagined having to Google, and it can feel overwhelming at first. But with the right information, it can also become a meaningful and even empowering part of your story.
Let’s walk through what sperm banks are, how donors are screened, what profiles really mean, and how to know if you’ve found a place you can trust.
Sperm Banks 101
Here’s the deal: sperm banks aren’t fertility clinics. Their whole purpose is to safely collect, test, and preserve sperm. Samples are frozen in liquid nitrogen, where they can stay viable indefinitely. Translation? You and your partner get access to a diverse catalog of options without worrying about shelf life.
Every donor goes through rigorous testing, including:
-
General health screening- bloodwork, liver panel, physical exams
-
Sperm analysis- count, motility, and how well they survive thawing
-
Genetic testing- conditions like cystic fibrosis, sickle-cell anemia
-
STD panel- HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, and more
-
Family history- usually three generations
One sample typically costs $400–$1000 and is used for one attempt — whether that’s at home (with an ICI kit) or at a clinic through IUI.
So, Who’s Actually Donating?
Here’s where things get real: choosing a donor profile. They usually include:
-
Physical traits: Race, ethnicity, eye color, hair color, height, blood type.
-
Education and occupation: Yes, you can literally pick a med student if you want to.
-
Family medical history: Essential for understanding risk factors.
-
Staff impressions: Sometimes you’ll see notes about whether he was kind, funny, or… kind of a jerk.
Many banks also offer extras like baby photos, audio interviews, or essays about why he donated. These pieces of information can be emotional to read. Hopefully, they help you and your partner begin imagining the child you hope to welcome into your life.
Protections for Donors and Parents
One of the most important questions couples often have is about legal rights: Does the donor have any claim to parenthood?
When you work with a licensed sperm bank, the answer is no. Donors cannot claim parental rights, and they cannot be held responsible for child support.
There are typically two categories of donors to choose from:
-
Anonymous donors: Neither you nor your child will receive identifying information about the donor.
-
ID-release/open ID donors: Once your child turns 18, they may request identifying details about the donor.
Here’s the truth, though: with genetic testing services like 23andMe, “anonymous” is a bit of a myth. Your child may one day connect the dots and find siblings–or even the donor himself.
Open Donors: Proceed With Care
Some donors are “open,” meaning they’re willing to have contact with recipient families in some capacity. Sometimes it’s just health updates, other times actual communication with your child when they’re older.
Sounds heartwarming, but it can also be messy. Unless boundaries are crystal clear and legally protected, you risk stepping into murky territory about identity and family roles. If you’re considering this, talk it through with your partner–and definitely a lawyer–before saying yes.
In-Person vs. Online Banks
You’ll see two main kinds of banks:
-
Physical banks: Donors provide samples onsite, and those samples can be shipped to you or your clinic.
-
Online banks: Function more like a digital catalog. You browse profiles, order vials, and have them shipped.
Both can be safe, but only if they’re legit. Look for FDA registration, clear screening protocols, and transparency in donor profiles.
Big red flag: Some websites (especially those marketed to LGBTQ+ families) look like sperm banks but aren’t. They may simply connect you directly with donors, with little or no testing, legal protection, or medical oversight. It might feel cheaper or more personal, but it can put your health–and your family’s legal security–at risk.
When to Walk Away
If you notice any of these, close the tab and move on:
-
No licensing or outdated registration
-
Vague or missing testing information
-
Thin donor profiles with no family medical history
-
Staff who are pushy, dismissive, or shady
-
Anything that makes your gut whisper, this feels off
Because here’s the truth: you deserve to feel safe, respected, and empowered in this process.
Making This Yours
Choosing a donor is not just a medical decision; it is also a personal one. It is an emotional and deeply personal step in building your family.
This process may feel overwhelming, and it may stir complicated feelings — about genetics, identity, and the weight of this choice. That’s okay. Many couples sit with those same questions.
What matters most is that you and your partner move through it together. Take your time. Ask your questions. Hold onto the vision of the child you hope to welcome, and trust that your care and thoughtfulness now are already shaping the kind of parents you will be.
This is the beginning of a story–your story–of becoming a family.
