The Best Fertility Doctors Don’t Gaslight You
Raise your hand if when you enter an exam room, you’re already putting trust into your doctor, assuming your best interest is their priority.
Yeah, me too. And that’s normal. Their experience, education, and credentials help to provide us with confidence and comfort as we, the patients, navigate whatever challenges lie ahead. However, this doesn’t always happen.
The truth is that many people feel dismissed or pressured by their doctors during their infertility journey, making their healthcare provider an additional source of pain and frustration in an already tumultuous time. That’s why being your own advocate is so important. No one knows you better than YOU.
Here are some of the most common signs and symptoms of an unhealthy doctor/patient relationship, and how to start being a “mama bear” from the very beginning.
1. They Dismiss You
Have you ever gone to your provider with a concern or suspected condition, and they just brushed it off without a second thought? Maybe that appointment ends with no resolution, even though you’re sure something’s wrong. That style of care isn’t actually “caring”—we shouldn’t have to beg for diagnostic tests or insist on being treated.
Doctors are highly educated specialists, but constantly dismissing your experience means they don’t value your role in the process. For instance, if you have questions that are going unanswered, or they’re adamant that you’re too old to conceive, they may be viewing you as a statistic or data point instead of a unique human being. Worse, they may be letting their biases obscure underlying conditions they actually could manage.
If you aren’t being heard or think you’re being given the run-around, it’s not benefiting you or your goal to conceive. That doesn’t mean you should stay quiet. Instead, ask them to make it make sense.
And if they don’t, remember, there is nothing wrong with getting a second opinion. The best doctors will encourage it.
2. They Pressure You
The infertility treatment pathway is usually a game of wait and pay.
Under 35, you have to wait 12 months to see a specialist. Over 35, it is a 6-month wait, and only 3 months if you are over 40. However, after that waiting period, 50% are diagnosed with unexplained infertility–a diagnosis that literally means they don’t know what is wrong.
Even with a diagnosis, the treatment pathway once you are at the specialist is almost universal- 3 months of IUI followed by 3 months of IVF. ICI is never mentioned as an option at this point.
The reality is that many doctors push traditional procedures like in vitro fertilization (IVF) or intrauterine insemination (IUI) without considering what that means financially or physically.
Remember, you know you best. If it doesn’t feel right, ask for another opinion. Ask for five other opinions. This is YOUR journey, and you have the right to make decisions that feel good for you.
3. They Don’t Answer All Your Questions
A lack of transparency from your doctor is never a good sign. When they’re doing their due diligence, good doctors explain the ins and outs of every option available, including costs, risks, and what to expect from each method. Your doctor’s job is to provide you with as much information as possible so you can make an informed decision, not pre-decide what you do and don’t need to know about what’s in your best interest.
For instance, IVF and IUI aren’t magic bullets for pregnancy. These procedures are the most lab-oriented solutions to fertility, and while they’re life-changing innovations, they come with significant risks that can be disheartening if you’re not prepared.
They can be physically taxing and very expensive, and they often come at a sacrifice of your dignity and autonomy, given how invasive and uncomfortable IVF and IUI can be.
If you feel like your doctor isn’t engaging with your questions or avoids discussing all your options, they may have a far too narrow view of how to overcome infertility in a way that works best for you.
Advocating for Yourself as a Patient
Fertility appointments are nerve-wracking for a whole host of reasons, and you deserve a doctor who’s a source of reassurance as well as answers. Show up prepared, be firm in your communications, listen to your gut, and, if need be, get that 5th opinion.
Most importantly, recognize that a single perspective isn’t the end-all be-all. Standing up for yourself is hard. But you deserve to feel empowered to ask questions and make choices about your body. It’s about ensuring that you’re getting the best support possible, and that can include making tough decisions about who’s going to be your care provider.
When I Decided Not to Settle
I’ve been in your shoes before, as someone who couldn’t get pregnant due to unexplained infertility, I know how stressful it can be to have a doctor look you in the eyes and tell you the only option is taking out a second mortgage.
Up to that point, I was passive in my fertility journey. But something about that day made me snap out of my trance. I decided to speak up by asking one word: why? Why was I being given a solution when they didn’t understand the problem? As a scientist, this didn’t make sense. I needed more answers before taking these next steps. I deserved it.
For all of their tests and “diagnoses,” I didn’t get pregnant until I started taking some control over my personal experience. I used my knowledge as a researcher and biologist to develop the PherDal ICI kit, and I finally got my plus sign. I’m here to remind you that you do NOT deserve to be dismissed, pressured, or misled while navigating infertility. You have options–whether it’s speaking up, finding a new doctor, or turning to alternative options.
And whatever your decision may be, we’re here for you all the way.
