I didn't talk about my infertility. So, to be featured in the Huffington Post saying, "I turned my husband into my sperm donor," felt surreal.
It wasn’t a proud time in my new marriage, but it’s the brutal truth that people like me struggle with behind the closed doors of infertility.
Trying to conceive is trying. We quickly lost the sexy time part of sex. And navigating this discussion with my husband was tricky because there is a lot of shame and stigma around failure and inadequacy in this journey.
Despite the challenges, there are ways to separate making a baby and keeping sex sexy. I’m here to offer advice that I wish someone had told me back then.
Beyond “Inadequacies”
I know I was fortunate to have my sperm donor lying next to me in bed, versus having frozen sperm delivered. However, getting your partner on board for trying something other than the old-fashioned way can be a tricky subject to bring up without making either of you feel inadequate. Even with a spouse in your corner, it can be hard to avoid feeling like you’re not the weak link on the most important team in the world.
That being said, women tend to receive significantly more attention and support for their fertility health throughout their lives. Our bodies are perceived as complex, cryptic, unstable, and prone to blown gaskets and misfires. Men, on the other hand, are simple and straightforward. It goes in, they finish, and they get on their phone while we do the next 40 weeks of work.
The problem has to be us, right? And ironically, that’s why the topic of a fertility kit can be incredibly charged for the male partner in your life. An insemination aid definitely swaps out a major part of their identity in the fertility equation. No question.
Play Pretend
Sounds sexy, right? That’s not exactly what we mean. It’s unlikely you can conceive outside of your fertile window, so don’t make it all clinical. For three days a month that you’re using an at-home insemination kit, pretend you’re in the clinic. Have your partner go into another room and come back with the sample. Then, all the other days, sexy time can just be sexy time.
“It’s Not You—It’s Us”
By the time you’re thinking about exploring outside options when you’re trying to get pregnant, everyone’s probably getting a little frayed. It could be a pretty emotional conversation when it’s broached, and you’ll need to be prepared for the possibility that you and your partner have two very different sets of expectations.
Lean into it. Making a baby doesn’t have to be your entire sex life. Keep the science and the sex separate. It also takes the pressure off both of you.
Commiserate
Here’s something I want you to think about: the vast majority of couples overcome a fertility obstacle without ever knowing how they did it—or that it even existed. They just try a lot, and if it doesn’t work the first 20 times, there’s still plenty of incentive to keep having fun. A man with a chronically low sperm count may never know.
On the other hand, about 18% of couples have to face the fact that there’s a real problem standing between them and their life goals. It’s personal—you and me.
Talk about it. I’m sure bringing an insemination kit into the bedroom was not on your sexy time bingo card. You probably didn't plan for the syringe to be the fun toy in the bedroom. Remember, it doesn’t have to be. Bring science into the bedroom when you need it, but don’t allow it to monopolize your entire intimate relationship.
Listen and Reassure
It’s an established scientific fact that men talk about their emotions and anxieties less than women, and their spouse is statistically their most trusted conversational partner. That means they’re going to be in uncomfortable, potentially low-skill territory when the conversation starts. In fact, some men buy PherDal as a way to talk their wives into trying something new.
If talking about penis problems with you is one person too many, parading the topic in front of doctors and nurses and walking through the checkout at a local pharmacy where their friends’ kids work could require psychiatric intervention.
With that in mind, here are Dr. Jenn’s suggestions for gently nurturing him through this conversation:
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Stay general. This is about exploring options when nobody completely understands the problem, not figuring out who’s to blame. At the end of the day, a cost-effective, high-quality ICI kit is a solution you can try for 10% of the cost in the comfort of your home.
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Reassure privacy. It’s always worth reminding everyone that this is a team, and we’re all thinking about each other’s comfort and boundaries while we create a new life.
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This is not our “new normal.” Emphasize that trying ICI now doesn’t mean we won’t get there naturally tomorrow. We’re just exploring all our options together.
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Keep coupled, separate the science from the sex. Nobody’s replacing anyone. An ICI kit’s syringe isn’t better than your penis—it’s scientifically designed to be more effective at conception than every penis! After all, the best kits are FDA-cleared and 100% guaranteed sterile. A penis is neither of those things, particularly the last one. Plus, the syringe goes all the way to the back of my cervix, but that’s neither here nor there. (Free joke from Dr. Jenn, you’re welcome, maybe don’t lead with that…)
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I don’t know either! Again, this isn’t a him vs. you scenario, especially because the root cause of your infertility may not be known to you anyway. You’re not bringing in a plastic syringe because you’re pretty sure it’s him even though you’re not saying it out loud.
Pick Your Kit Together!
This is a big one. Sit down together, crack open your laptop, and start talking about the options you find. Read blogs like this one, discuss price and strategy, and make space for any questions either of you has. A big part of feeling good about your fertility choices and relieving everyone’s anxiety is discovering the valuable and low-pressure benefits an ICI kit can provide. For example, did you know:
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ICI’s success rate is about the same as in-clinic IUI, and they’re both significantly more effective than timed intercourse.
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IUI and IVF cost $3,000-$10,000 per cycle, but a top-of-the-line ICI kit only costs $200—for 3 full attempts! And this is a kit with 3 utility patents on sterility and the only sterile kit on the market.
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Fertility kits are designed to be used in the privacy of your own home—no trips to the doctor and no expensive insurance claims.
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These kits use his sperm! You finish, I finish, and we’re on our way together.
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The best ICI kits are engineered with biology, strategy, and safety in mind. This is science, not a seance, and you deserve the best.
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ICI kits are now mainstream fertility solutions. Not every kit is created equally, but there are FDA standards in place that make these safe, effective first-line options.
You’re in This Together
The hardest part about infertility is that there’s one obvious outcome and a million potential complications, and they’re all deeply personal. At PherDal, we’re making sure we simplify the conversation about ICI by delivering the only FDA-cleared, 100% guaranteed sterile kit on the market.
I designed it myself using my PhD in biology and my husband’s mechanical engineering experience to give us the highest odds for overcoming our unexplained infertility diagnosis—and it worked! Today, we’re offering our three utility-patented kit to people everywhere so they can benefit from a high-quality fertility product that makes the step from intercourse to discourse as easy as possible.
Yours is a partnership built on mutual love and respect, and if you decide to partner with us as your insemination kit of choice, you’ll be setting yourselves up for the best chance of conceiving on your own at home. Show him the ropes and visit our website to learn more about what makes PherDal the ideal ICI kit to introduce to your relationship.
Remember, you’re going to raise this kid together–this is a great opportunity to practice the teamwork you’ll need to parent your future child, together.
